100 Things

1. When I was born, the doctor said, “Look at the shoulders on this kid, he’s going to play football! Oh my God, it’s a girl!” It’s okay if you need to look at my shoulders after hearing that. Everyone does.

2. On my first report card my teacher outed my mathematical stupidity when she wrote, “Red will occasionally use her fingers to count.”

3. To balance out my utter futility with numbers, I started writing stories when I was six. I used to wake up really early and write about My Little Ponies and Care Bears and Tom Sawyer.

4. As a child, I was a tomboy who looked like John Denver. Now I’m a tomcat who listens to John Denver. Meow.

5. My first boyfriend became a woman.

6. I’m still friends with most of my exes. I’ve dated some really great people. And I’m not just saying that because they read the blog.

7. My parents didn’t mean for me to be an only child, but my mom was really sick when she was pregnant with me and then I broke her ass during delivery so I think they figured, okay then, one oughta do it.

8. When I went to college, there was a computer error and my roommate and I ended up on an all guys’ floor. They had to vote about whether or not she and I could stay.

9. They let us stay. As a result I got used to living with boys and proceeded to do it for the rest of college.

10. You’d think that would make me more tolerant, but no. It’s true what we learned in kindergarten: Boys are totally gross.

11. I cook dinner for my friends on Tuesday nights, but I don’t seem to be improving or expanding on my cookin’ skills. In fact, I seem to be getting worse.

12. I don’t understand people who eat a few Thin Mints but not the entire sleeve.

13. I love to go out dancing, but I hate it at the same time. I wish there were places to go that weren’t all drunk 22-year-old girls wearing uncomfortable shoes glaring at other drunk 22-year-old girls wearing uncomfortable shoes.

14. I have a hardcore product addiction. Sephora, you fickle temptress, you.

15. Not to say that I’m a clean freak, but I enjoy my life a lot more when I know my home is clean.

16. Not to say that I’m a clean freak, but I have a better day when my bed is made.

17. I’m so obsessed with peanut butter that I usually don’t keep it in the house, because if I did I’d eat it for every meal.

18. I have a mongrammed flask. Yup I do.

19. I don’t mind when it gets dark early in the winter. I think it’s cozy.

20. Although by the time April rolls around I definitely start to get anxious for more sunshine.

21. I feel like I’m on the phone all night long.

22. I can bust out with the A-Team theme song on command.

23. Movies I know by heart: Dazed and Confused, Clerks, Heathers, The Princess Bride, Clueless, Back to the Future, Napolean Dynamite, Singles, Reality Bites, Labyrinth, It’s a Wonderful Life, and The Breakfast Club.

24. I love the board game Moods. Everyone (I do mean everyone) I know hates it and no one will play it with me anymore.

25. I’m addicted to gum and mints, preferably Icebreakers in the round sparkly blue container. I eat them all day long.

26. I used to love Olivia Newton-John. LOVE.

27. Yeah, it’s my natural hair color, but now I rely on highlights to keep up the strawberry blond thing. Otherwise it would be more auburn.

28. When I was little, having red hair made me feel like the kid in the darkened square in the “which of these kids doesn’t belong here” skit on Sesame Street or whatever show that was on. Then sometime around high school I stopped hating it.

29. My hair and I have really come full circle, you see.

30. I really don’t care about animals. I don’t kick puppies or anything, but I just don’t have a need for animals in my life.

31. I like picking apples. In theory.

32. I’m weird about deadlines and anything on my to do list. I want to get everything done ahead of time or else I feel out of control. I think it’s because my natural tendency is toward laziness and procrastination and I try to fight it.

33. I’m an ENFP and a Libra.

34. I don’t have a Boston accent. I grew up in a suburb about an hour outside of the city.

35. I have two identical pairs of blue moon pajamas that I’d wear everywhere if I could. Everyone I know has seen them and I have worn them to friends’ homes. I mean, not for parties. But still. Have I no shame?

36. I love owning movies, but I hardly ever watch them.

37. I like to read books about random crap, like sleep disorders.

38. I’ve been making fun song mix CDs for my friends for several years. They have songs like Coldhearted Snake and Rock the Casbah and OPP on them. Their names (in order) are: The Fun Mix, The Fun Strikes Back, The Return of the Fun, Did Someone Order More Fun, Would You Like Fun With That, Go Fun Yourself, and Fun The One You’re With.

39. I loved college. I even mostly liked high school.

40. My “celebrity” crushes are on Jason Varitek and Josh Beckett.

41. I have a thing for boys who are tall with broad shoulders and well-tended goatees.

42. A big thing.

43. I like going to the movies alone occasionally, but only at an off time during the day. I can’t do it alone at night without feeling self-conscious.

44. I don’t like any sports except for baseball.

45. I love baseball.

46. The quickest way to shut me down is to be passive-aggressive or overdramatic.

47. I thought getting older would make me feel displaced, but 30 feels about right. So far every age I’ve been has felt like the age to be.

48. I can’t promise that that will be the last lame soundbite you’ll ever hear out of me.

49. I’m very pale and sunburn easily.

50. I call the foods/drink that I don’t like my Big Five: potatoes, (unmelted) cheese, beans, bananas, and coffee. Some people don’t like one or two of them, but I’ve never met anyone else who doesn’t like all five.

51. When I was little I did gymnastics, and during a recital one time I was doing a million somersaults through a tunnel, and I stopped halfway through and cried because I felt claustrophobic.

52. I love getting pedicures but still chew on my fingernails.

53. My old school Nintendo is in my hall closet, and if I ever plugged it in, believe you me I’d play Super Mario Brothers and Tetris all the live long day.

54. When I’m in a hotel, I’m all like, “Where’s the TV? I want to watch TV.”

55. Which is kind of weird because while I have a TV in my bedroom at home, I hardly ever watch it.

56. I love nice hotels.

57. I’d love to live someplace in Boston that’s ridiculously high-end with a concierge and doorman and floor to ceiling windows and granite countertops and warming drawers and a whirlpool bath.

58. Not to raise kids in or anything, but, you know, for now.

59. I can be a bit of a snob.

60. I was a cow in a school play in kindergarten. I didn’t tell my parents until the night before, and my dad found me a cowbell and had the word “moo” printed on a t-shirt. My teachers didn’t think it was funny.

61. I hate the show Everybody Loves Raymond. I don’t like the generic humor, and I also don’t like when marriage gets portrayed as one long, boring, impatient eyeroll. It’s shows like that that keep single people promiscuous.

62. I love the idea of Dance Dance Revolution more than I can adequately articulate, but it never really caught on for adults, did it?

63. I have recurring dreams about missing the school bus.

64. I used to teach ESL on the side, but then I was all like, assimilate on your own, bitches.

65. I love bad soft rock from the 80s. Love. It.

66. When The Sixth Sense came out, I hated the people who said they knew Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, even though you know they didn’t.

67. I didn’t know he was dead until the big reveal. I own my slowness.

68. I dropped out of Girl Scouts because I hated them, all of them, and their stupid badges.

69. Fine, they “suggested” that I leave.

70. I loved Sassy magazine (the original one).

71. I like pickles.

72. I sort of want to get my doctorate.

73. I hate all the letter shows: CSI, SVU, ER.

74. I don’t like violent or scary TV shows or movies in general.

75. When I saw Rent, I very much identified with the character Mark.

76. I still do.

77. I like it spicy: Frank’s red hot sauce, extra hot salsa, and whole pepperoncinis. Bring it.

78. I love books and movies that acknowledge that relationships can be complex and explore that without Hugh Granting everything up.

79. Did you see Spanglish? Or read Little Children? Those are good examples.

80. I still like to watch girly movies but I usually hate the way they end. When people fight all the time or can’t get their shit together, they probably wouldn’t make a very good couple.

81. Although I did like how that one mostly stupid girly movie, My Best Friend’s Wedding, ended, because she didn’t get the guy and the characters ended up not being entirely black or white. And, holy crap, if you watch that movie again, notice Julia Roberts’ cell phone. It’s the size of her head.

82. Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson is my secret favorite pop song. It has so many levels, people.

83. I don’t really like anything floral: patterns, perfumes. But I love actual flowers. Keep sending them, boys.

84. I love the seasons in New England. I’ll never understand why people who choose to live here complain about them incessantly. I hear Southern California’s nice, bellyachers.

85. I’ve been off Diet Pepsi for awhile now. I found it harder to kick than crack.

86. I like gummy bears, but don’t you feel like we’ll find out someday that they’re really made of plastic and that they just sit in a ball in your stomach and you never really digest them? And that eventually we’ll all give birth to an eight pound gummy baby? Were you with me until that last sentence?

87. I wear sunglasses all year round, even on overcast days, because my eyes hurt when I don’t. My eye doctor told me that’s because my eyes are so light.

88. I’m like an enzyme away from being an albino.

89. Well, not literally.

90. One of my first clients in grad school was a woman with severe brain damage from a bike accident. If I find out you ride a bike without a helmet, I will berate you, publicly if necessary, until you change your ways.

91. Same with wearing a seatbelt.

92. There are so many places I want to visit. A few are Spain, Ireland, Iceland, Italy, Egypt, Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, Hawaii…

93. I’ve been to Bermuda, Bahamas (come on pretty mama), St. Maarten, St. Thomas, and Mexico, but not Europe yet. How lame am I? But on the flip side, how much of a thorough spring breaker?

94. I’m so done with guys with guitars who take themselves too seriously.

95. I’m not, however, done loving Eddie Vedder. 15 years and going strong. It’s practically a common law marriage. Or a long-standing restraining order.

96. I enjoy people who wear perfume perfectly. They’re very much in the minority. You hug them and suddenly can’t believe how delicious they smell, but you’re not overwhelmed by said deliciousness. How do they do it?

97. I’m not asking because I want to do it myself, because I don’t really like to wear perfume, but I’d like them to educate others. You know who you are. Or actually, you don’t, and that’s kind of the problem.

98. That sounded vaguely threatening. I should say that I wasn’t referring to anyone I know. YOU all smell good. Really. I can hardly believe the pleasantness that wafts from you. I’m talking more about random strangers in elevators whose noses apparently don’t work.

99. In high school my friend Alison’s mom didn’t have a sense of smell. That girl took advantage and smoked more pot than anyone alive.

100. I’m honestly starting to think that Mapquest is just screwing with us. I just do not know how to drive northeast.