Something New: Zemmiphobia Is Real

Monday, January 14th
I’m realizing that a way to cop out of actually “doing” something new is to “learn” or “observe” something new. I’m full of shit, aren’t I? But that’s not a new thing, so we must press on. Anyway, today was a snow day (also not a new thing, yay for working in a school in New England) and I spent some time in the morning talking to a woman at my car insurance place. They’re still going back and forth with my dealership to agree on a price for fixing my car, and right now there’s about a $1,000 disagreement between them, which I could ultimately have to pay if my insurance doesn’t step up. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but, bleh, it’s still $1,000, which can buy many peanuts. Anyway, I was thinking about that, and then my toaster overheated and broke and my phone was all staticy again (damn you Verizon!) and I was starting to get a little crabby about the state of the appliances in my life. Then I went outside to clean the snow off my loaner car and was reminded to count my blessings when I saw that a tree (a smallish tree, but still a tree) had cracked at the base because of the storm and fallen into the parking space next to my loaner car, missing it by a couple inches. That tree could’ve easily gone either way, and can you imagine if, in the midst of all this pre-existing shit with my car, I had to call the dealership and my insurance provider and let them know that now I’d NOW MANAGED TO DESTROY THE LOANER CAR TOO? As it turns out, sometimes it just takes a little tree to shift your perspective.

Tuesday, January 15th
I said, “So wait, who was Brad Renfro?”

Wednesday, January 16th
I went out with a guy whose last name is also a month. Joe January? Ollie October? Discuss.

Thursday, January 17th
I hardly ever remember my dreams, so you have to indulge me for a minute because I woke up laughing my ass off with this one: I went to a party at my parents’ house, which of course was not my parents’ house (in dreams, why is the place we are never really the place we are, but we never question it?) and there were a bunch of people there that I didn’t know so I was introducing myself. There was a guy playing a keyboard and my mom told me that he was in a country band now but that he used to be in an 80s band.

“What, seriously? What band?”
She shrugged. “Kaja-something?”
“WHAT? Kajagoogoo?”
“I don’t know, maybe.”

Incidentally, I don’t think I’ve ever said the word “Kajagoogoo” out loud before, but I digress. Anyway, he stopped playing and we talked for a minute, and then he started playing another song. Not Too Shy or the Neverending Story song. Folks, I dreamed about a guy from Kajagoogoo playing She’s Gone by Hall and Oates at a party at my parents’ house. I humbly submit what’s left of my youth and accept the fact that I should clearly already be in at least my 40s. Fine, 50s.

Friday, January 18th
My dad and I signed up to do this! In Chicago! In August! I’m unspeakably excited. Also, um, “pre-game reception with a current Red Sox player”? I’d be happy to meet any of them, even bowling champ Tavarez, but do you think…? Is it possible? Can a girl dream of meeting the captain… of HER HEART? You know something crazy like that would fall out of my mouth.

Saturday, January 19th
Saturday seems to be the day that I make my “something new” assignment my friends’ problem. It didn’t help that I was out with a guy I dated for a couple years, and what can you do that’s new with someone like that? Anyway, he was telling us how he heard about someone who had a fear of something called the Great Mole Rat, which sounds a little chupacabra-ish to me, but you gotta love the dramatic, respectful title. So I found and called a support group that offers to help those who suffer from paralyzing fear of the Great Mole Rat (zemmiphobia!). I was ready to share my woes with the on-call counselor but I got their voicemail, darn it all. Never mind the fact that when I google imaged the Great Role Mat, I realized I probably actually am zemmiphobic. I bet you are too. Let’s work through this together.

Sunday, January 20th
I decided to throw a Valentine’s party! I bought cute invitations and conversation heart stickers and then said “Eh, fuck this” and announced the fiesta via a save-the-date text blast instead. I love parties, but who has stamps anymore?

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3 Responses to “Something New: Zemmiphobia Is Real”


  1. 1 Stefanie January 21, 2008 at 10:43 am

    $1,000 can buy many peanuts. Ha! Red, I don’t think I’ve seen you pull out the Homer references before…

  2. 2 Max January 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    I dunno…I looked at the brochure for the Baltimore trip, and there was a very happy little family posed with the uber-dishy Mikey Lowell, who, while not the captain of my heart either, could perhaps be the third baseman of my heart…

  3. 3 Anman March 26, 2009 at 2:32 am

    Zemmiphobia is from the game Fallout and is NOT real.


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